I’m terrified of being single but it’s
not for the reasons that you may think. I’m not afraid of
becoming the gay caricature of the old lady, surrounded by her
cats, mainly because I’m allergic to cats but also because I’m not
one to think too far into the future. It’s not that I’m afraid
that my soulmate is not out there (although it’s taking him a bloody long time
to materialise if he is) but rather that I may be enjoying my own company too
much in the meantime. You see, my biggest fear is not that I won’t find a
partner or my soulmate but that I’ll be just as happy if I don’t.
I’ve noticed how some of my friends always
seem to jump from relationship to relationship, easily finding a new partner
with whom they become instantly infatuated. I on the other hand find it
particularly difficult to forge such relationships. While
some people need the security that a relationships brings to
their life, I’m content being alone. I refer to myself as a ‘social
loner’ – a person who enjoys socialising, spending time with friends and making
news friends but who is just as happy, perhaps even happier, being alone. As I
become older and engrained in my routines and habits, which have
rarely had to accommodate someone else, I worry that it may become difficult
for me to adapt if and when a serious someone comes into my life. Will my
morning, perfectly-timed schedule be interrupted by someone else’s schedule?
What if I don’t feel like talking after a long day at work? Or going out with his
friends? Or being in someone else’s company? What if I want to be alone?
Although it may sound arrogant, most of the
time I can provide for myself everything that I need to be happy. As such,
there hasn’t been a real drive to find a partner and therefore I don’t think I
have made a particular effort to look. From friends, to work, to
spirituality and community, I have created for myself the things that I need to
keep me satisfied. What about sex you ask? Well I can find that too, although
I’ve learnt from experience that sometimes it’s easier and less complicated to
satisfy one’s self in this department. It all stems from
my belief that we are whole as we are and that there is no need
to wait to find our ‘other half’ before we can feel wholeness. This is one
of the most dangerous myths of our time, that we need someone else to save us
or we will never be saved. As homosexuality has become more accepted we have
adopted the dangerous heterosexual ideology that to be truly happy we need
to find a monogamous partner that will be with us happily ever after. What if
we never find that partner though? Does that mean we cannot live happy and
fulfilling lives? While I think it’s beautiful to be in a loving relationship
and I certainly wouldn’t mind it for myself, I don’t think we need to be
miserable in the meantime.
My Facebook newsfeed is often full of gay guys
lamenting themselves for being single or congratulating each other when their
relationship status changes. I’ve always been confused by the latter as if being
in a relationship is some sort of achievement that needs to be
acknowledged. I think that this comes out of the fear of loneliness
which is particularly strong amongst gay men as we have often felt
ostracised because of our sexuality. Perhaps this explains why so
many of us are desperate to be in a relationship? It could also explain
why there is a constant need for many gay men to broadcast their
relationships to the world? The over-the-top uploads and updates might just be
a desperate way for us to show the world and each other that we are loved
and wanted. Or perhaps it may be because we do indeed love that person so much
that we want to shout it from the rooftops. The cynic in me says that it’s the
former.
Why listen to me though? All of this is
just the rambling of someone who has never been in a serious
relationship. Sure I have had flings and dated lots of men and even been in
what some might consider the early stages of a relationships but still
none of these have been worth the Facebook update. Now that I am older and
more aware of the passage of time, I’m worried not about being alone forever
but rather that I’ll be just as happy if I were.
Maybe I should buy a cat just in case…
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